Thoughts on a murdered child

No updates in almost two weeks. I apologize.

Often, I'll have an idea of something I want to blog about that soon becomes too weighty, too depressing, or too whatever, and I'll ultimately decide against posting it here. Or I discover new information, change my opinion, or simply lose interest before I make it this far. That's been the case these past two weeks.

One thing that has been on my mind quite a bit (and probably others' as well) is the recent incident where a woman killed and cannibalized her baby.

Yeah...THIS is going to be a happy post. I can hear the signs now, and I'm sorry.

Just let me get this one out of the way.

This incident bothers me in ways that probably don't bother the majority of people responding in similar horror and disgust to this story. Whereas most people's horror and disgust is leveled at the mother, mine (so far) is not.

Don't think for a second that I'm denying the obvious crime, suffering, and tragedy that accompanies an act like this. Of course I'm not. But what so many people fail to acknowledge amidst their knee-jerk gasps and finger pointing is that there is a strong likelihood that the mother was suffering from schizophrenia when she committed this crime.

Now, I realize that no formal diagnosis has yet been made. Some of her relatives and acquaintances have said that she has been battling mental illness for a long time. Others have said that she may have a drug problem. I looked for further information before posting to see if she has undergone any psychiatric evaluations, but I have found nothing as of yet from our fickle media.

Her boyfriend of six years--who is himself a diagnosed schizophrenic--denies that she is mentally ill and has stated that he wants her to receive the death penalty and "hopes that she burns in hell" (his exact words) for killing "his" child.

Why is it that I feel more angry at him than I do at her?

Well, for one thing, does his own diagnosis automatically qualify him to make psychiatric evaluations of other people? Can he tell who is and who is not a schizophrenic because he happens to be one? To what degree can we even trust his judgments and perceptions?

At the risk of sounding incredibly insensitive, do people who live in glass psych wards have the right to throw stones?

Another thing: he is acting like he is the only parent in this situation who lost a child. This child had TWO parents, and if the one who killed this little boy did so because she was psychotic, then she is still a bereaved party underneath the burden of her illness. That's why I put the word "his" in quotations. This was her child too. Once she is under treatment (if indeed she is mentally ill), I have no doubt that she will grieve this baby at least as much as the father does. When rescue personnel arrived at the scene of the crime, she had already severely injured herself attempting suicide.

As far as the death penalty goes, I really don't understand why she was indicted for capital murder before undergoing a psychiatric evaluation. I'm no lawyer, but what happens if she is declared incompetent to stand trial? I guess she would be committed the same way she would if found not guilty by reason of insanity. I just would have expected the prosecution to wait for the results of an evaluation before formally pressing charges.

Which brings us to the long standing question of whether a mentally ill person is really responsible for his or her crimes. Did this woman murder her baby? Or did schizophrenia do it? How much can a person be separated, in terms of responsibility, from his or her psychosis? And what about sentencing--is committing a person intended to treat or to punish?

One story I read mentioned that women suffering from psychiatric disorders like schizophrenia are significantly more likely to suffer from postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis. It would only add to the tragedy if it turned out that this woman's underlying illness only became apparent after she finally "cracked" and committed this horrific deed.

Also, from what I read, there were signs that something was wrong long before the murder took place. And that suggests that this tragedy could have been prevented. Why wasn't it? Could it have anything to do with the woman's boyfriend and his battle with schizophrenia overshadowing her struggles?

It wouldn't be the first time that one partner's personal issues eclipsed the other person. To hear the boyfriend talk, it's all about him. It was HIS child. Taken away from HIM. HE wants her, whom he supposedly used to love, to burn in hell. I understand that when a person is killed, it is the survivors who suffer the anguish and the grief, and it is natural that they speak from the perspective of their own pain rather than the (already extinguished) pain of the dead. It just bothers me that he feels that he is the only victim here. There are three immediate victims--the baby and BOTH parents--and countless others who care for these people.

Maybe I should cut him a break for being schizophrenic as well as devastated, but he is waging emotional and verbal war against a woman who may be just as ill (and innocent) as he.

There is one more thing that really bothers me about this man. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit this, but I find it very upsetting how quickly and completely he abandoned his love for his child's mother.

Now, hold on a second. Before you scream at me "that's because she killed their kid, you idiot!", hear me out.

Imagine: you fall in love with someone, you form a romantic and personal partnership, and you stay with that person through six years. Not weeks or months. Years. That's more than a lot of marriages last these days. Your relationship weathers your own mental illness, and your partner sticks by you nonetheless. You have a child together. Then a horrific tragedy occurs.

I know. You're still thinking "yeah, the tragedy is that she killed their kid."

But this jerk is not even willing to consider the very likely possibility that she suffers from the same mental illness that he does. And if he did accept the possibility, I still suspect that he would despise her all the same. Because their child is dead and she is, however indirectly, the reason.

I guess what I'm getting at is this: why does all the love and empathy and support suddenly disappear when a child dies this way?

Whatever happened to "hate the sin but love the sinner"? Imagine if things were the other way around and the mother were murdered by her schizophrenic child? Something tells me that the father would not stop loving the child even as he grieved the loss of his wife/girlfriend. He would probably demand that the child be institutionalized where he or she could receive the proper treatment and be prevented from harming others. There may be a tremendous amount of anger and resentment. The father may not want to be around his child any more. But the love would survive, because the bond of family is that strong.

So why isn't it the same way between spouses and partners? Why should the love between parent and child run deeper and go further than the love between the parents of that child?

After all, it takes both parents to create a child. Shouldn't that shared creation strengthen a romantic partnership? I'm not talking about relationships and marriages that break down for reasons unrelated to the children. I'm talking about people who were truly in love and committed to one another before the child was lost. Like these two apparently were.

But what do I know?

For whatever reason, this guy decided that his child was more important to him than his child's mother. That's the bottom line. Never mind that they're both in the same psychiatric boat. That makes no difference to him. He cannot forgive her for their child's death. The child is worth more to him than she is. And I find that beyond sad.

One of the countless reasons that I do not want children of my own is the fear that my husband would love our child more than he loves me.

There, I've said it.

Call me petty, call me selfish, call me jealous and possessive. Maybe I am. But I can't help the way I feel, and I can't stand the idea that someone else could eclipse me in my husband's heart. I'm not saying that, if we had a child, I would want him to love me more. I just wouldn't want him to love me less than he loved our child. I would want that love to be equal. Like it should be between all soul mates who become parents.

Now think of that and tell me that this woman hasn't lost everything worth living for. Regardless of her responsibility--and who but a psychotic could suddenly commit such atrocities on her own child?--she has already been punished more than most of us care to imagine.