Lucky Thirteen

My younger stepson (S) is going to be thirteen next week. But you wouldn't know it...at least when he acts the way he did this evening.

The four of us set aside some time to play video games together before my husband (J) had to turn in for the night. S wanted to play a two-person racing game with his dad. After a demonstration, J explained that this did not seem like a game that he would enjoy and encouraged S to put in a game that the four of us already enjoy. This was when S got angry and threw the controller across the room.

His dad gave him a chewing out that made no difference. S continued playing on his own, sulking now, and he ignored every suggestion and question that his dad and older brother addressed to him. I was keeping my mouth shut this whole time for reasons I will explain shortly. J repeated a particular question five or six times before insisting that S answer him. S gave him a snide answer and then threw the other controller across the room. That was when J announced that he was going to bed.

I followed J into the bedroom and closed the door. I suggested that we make a new rule next week when S turns thirteen: now that he's a teenager and no longer a little boy, there is to be no more whining, pouting, or tantrum throwing under any circumstances. J explained that he didn't think that was a fair plan because our older stepson (almost 16!) still has his whiny tantrum episodes too.

Basically, we find ourselves with a behavior dilemma that we can't do anything about. J is not willing to crack down on the boys to the extent that I would suggest. He makes a very legitimate point that the boys have a terrible example set by their biological mother. But I can't tell if he's implying that their situation with her excuses their immature and obnoxious behavior around us. Personally, I don't think that anything should excuse them being brats, especially at their ages. They're more than welcome to behave this way around her (and believe me, they do!), but I just wish J would be more firm when it comes to enforcing the no-brattiness policy.

Bottom line: they are too old to be acting like this. Granted, they were held back in school (thanks to the damn FCAT), so it makes sense that they still act like kids rather than miniature adults like most teens. But the brattiness should have been left behind years ago. And the fact that their mother is a complete bitch only makes me believe that we should enforce respectful and mature behavior even harder.

Now, I did not say or do anything this time because a) I have resolved to guard against overreacting, which I have always been prone to, and b) it wouldn't have done a bit of good anyway. I'm not sure that anything short of a drill sergeant screaming orders would snap them out of these bratty spells and make them realize that "hey, the way I'm acting is totally unacceptable and I need to stop it right now!" Even on the rare occasions when their dad raises his voice, I never see their eyes widen in response or notice the glimmer of humility that comes when you push someone past the brink and they make sure you know it. That's what I got when I acted this way as a child. If I threw an expensive toy across the room, I could be damn certain that my dad would be there to verbally detonate right in my face and immediately make me sorry that I had even thought of misbehaving. And it worked. It probably worked too well.

I don't particularly agree with this approach. But it's tempting, not just because I grew up with explosive anger as my example but because I have no patience for this kind of disrespect coming from a child. "Who do they think they are?" is the question seething in the back of my mind when they behave this way. And the question lurking just behind that is "why should you be allowed to get away with talking to your parents in a way that I was never allowed to?"

It's true that, in some ways, we become our parents even when we swore that we would never subject our children to the same treatment. But I think that part of this reaction stems from a kind of envy over the idea that some children were spared this level of discipline and were afforded behavioral freedoms that I never was. And so it seems doubly unfair. I don't want our kids to be raised the way I was and yet, at the same time, it's so frustrating that I can't be the one to yell when I spent so much time being yelled at.

So where was I? Oh yes: turning thirteen. And acting like a spoiled little kid. And my hands being tied because the boys' dad doesn't want to crack down on them the way I think he should. So now our youngest will officially enter teendom without any further encouragement to be more respectful and more responsible, and we'll have to continue putting up with this behavior every time he doesn't get his way.

J says that we just need to keep reminding him. But maybe the problem is that we aren't reminding him enough to begin with.

I believe this is called an impasse.

But enough for tonight. It's out of my system for now, and that's better than nothing.