Notes to self:
If I preach acceptance, I must practice it.
If I preach respect, I must practice it as well.
That means no bashing of outlooks, no labeling of people, no derogatory or negative remarks, and no attacks or tirades. These actions are disrespectful to others, unbecoming of me, and do not lend credibility to my perspective.
It will not be easy. I often tread a fine line between reticence and confrontation. I must not only find a compromise, but also try to rise above the temptation to either lash out or run away.
I cannot make promises. I have declared my intention to express myself honestly, and sometimes honesty is blunt. I have sought a place away from my daily life and obligations both personal and professional where I can let my true (and occasionally unpleasant) self out. This should be the one place where I do not feel stifled...and yet, if I allow others into this world, I must treat them with the same respect I would demand and expect for myself.
I will strive for constructive expression. I will reread every post with an empathetic eye: how do my words affect the reader, and what do my words say about me? Writing honestly means looking back at posts from different angles. Ideally, it means learning something from oneself as well.
I will do my best at all I have outlined here.
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An explanation:
The above was written after I had a rather upsetting reaction.
After making all those statements about hope, friendship, acceptance, respect, and understanding, I suddenly felt myself overcome with defensiveness and more than a touch of resentment.
"Leave me alone!" I wanted to scream. "I said I was done with all this! You insist you're right, and I insist I'm right. We can't both be right, and neither of us will concede to the other. So where does that leave us? Nowhere!"
My hands shook. My stomach hurt and I began to feel dizzy. The nerve! People want to CHANGE me. That's always what it comes down to, doesn't it? The intentions don't matter. What matters is the lack of agreement and the lack of conformity. And that incongruity translates to wrongness. I am wrong. I must be corrected...changed...made right again. Dire consequences await me otherwise. I feel besieged. I feel threatened. I want to lash out: "Your right is my wrong, and your wrong is my right. So let it be! Leave me with my right and take yours with you."
And then there was the possible betrayal of myself. I erased several posts. Then I offered a disclaimer for my interests. Did I backtrack? Did I waver? Did I cop out? What matters more to me here...my own position or what people think? Did I do a double disservice by trying to appease both others and myself? Am I mature, eloquent, and confident enough to stand my ground at the risk of alienation? And so on.
I don't know. I don't know if people can have it both ways. I don't know if those of disparate beliefs can coexist comfortably. I've seen it happen, but I don't know if I have it in me.
Maybe I'll surprise myself. The above notes are my encouragement. Let's see how I do.
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LLL,
ReplyDeleteMy husband is an atheist, yet we've spent the past six years living & working side by side, adoring each other, respecting each other, being happy. As I was reading your posts tonight, he was reading them over my shoulder, nodding his head in agreement and pointing out all the good points you made. We do argue about our beliefs, and my husband often tells me he will never believe in Christ beacuse that's not who he is. He complains that I want to change him. My answer to him - of course I do.
I want him to stop putting all of his faith in his own abilities and wisdom. I want him to have the peace that comes from knowing that there is someone wiser and stronger than he is, that loves him and wants to share his thoughts with him and will never let him down or betray him like others have. I want him to have the privelege of spending eternity getting to know this person, rather than the father of sin, death and misery. I also want the privelege of hanging out with husband in heaven - I'm selfish that way.
We live in a dark world and it will only continue to get darker. I share what I know not out of obligation, but because I want other people to have what I have. Think of it this way - If I know someone is ill, and I have a drug that will make them better and don't offer it to them, what kind of a person would I be? At this point I imagine you're saying - I'm not sick. How dare she tell me that I am, and try and force this stuff down my throat? But simply put, having the Lord in your life makes it better. And I don't want to force anything down your throat, just let you know it's there.
Likewise, if I see someone go to stick a fork in an electrical socket and instead of trying to stop them, I shrug my shoulders and think, 'Meh. They're not my responsibity. It's their choice if they want to do that,' what kind of person would I be? What if nobody told that person that sticking a fork in an electrical socket was bad for them?
I don't think I'm smarter or wiser or better in ANY way than you, but I do know this: The author of the occult is the devil, there is no such thing as 'white' witchcraft, and that those who choose to embrace it are condemning themselves to a really crap life and ultimately, an eternity separated from God.
You have every right to put your beliefs out there without having them condemned or belittled. I'm not going to stop reading your posts (unless you block me, which is a distinct possibility after this) because you're an intelligent woman and an excellent writer. But I won't comment or disagree with you or offer my opinion unless you ask for it.
I also won't be offended if you delete this post. I imagine you're pretty outraged by now, but I'd rather have you angry at me than not aware of the suggestion that an interest in the occult is a step down a path that leads to death.
Rach xo