Post Script

Notes to self:

If I preach acceptance, I must practice it.
If I preach respect, I must practice it as well.

That means no bashing of outlooks, no labeling of people, no derogatory or negative remarks, and no attacks or tirades. These actions are disrespectful to others, unbecoming of me, and do not lend credibility to my perspective.

It will not be easy. I often tread a fine line between reticence and confrontation. I must not only find a compromise, but also try to rise above the temptation to either lash out or run away.

I cannot make promises. I have declared my intention to express myself honestly, and sometimes honesty is blunt. I have sought a place away from my daily life and obligations both personal and professional where I can let my true (and occasionally unpleasant) self out. This should be the one place where I do not feel stifled...and yet, if I allow others into this world, I must treat them with the same respect I would demand and expect for myself.

I will strive for constructive expression. I will reread every post with an empathetic eye: how do my words affect the reader, and what do my words say about me? Writing honestly means looking back at posts from different angles. Ideally, it means learning something from oneself as well.

I will do my best at all I have outlined here.

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An explanation:

The above was written after I had a rather upsetting reaction.

After making all those statements about hope, friendship, acceptance, respect, and understanding, I suddenly felt myself overcome with defensiveness and more than a touch of resentment.

"Leave me alone!" I wanted to scream. "I said I was done with all this! You insist you're right, and I insist I'm right. We can't both be right, and neither of us will concede to the other. So where does that leave us? Nowhere!"

My hands shook. My stomach hurt and I began to feel dizzy. The nerve! People want to CHANGE me. That's always what it comes down to, doesn't it? The intentions don't matter. What matters is the lack of agreement and the lack of conformity. And that incongruity translates to wrongness. I am wrong. I must be corrected...changed...made right again. Dire consequences await me otherwise. I feel besieged. I feel threatened. I want to lash out: "Your right is my wrong, and your wrong is my right. So let it be! Leave me with my right and take yours with you."

And then there was the possible betrayal of myself. I erased several posts. Then I offered a disclaimer for my interests. Did I backtrack? Did I waver? Did I cop out? What matters more to me here...my own position or what people think? Did I do a double disservice by trying to appease both others and myself? Am I mature, eloquent, and confident enough to stand my ground at the risk of alienation? And so on.

I don't know. I don't know if people can have it both ways. I don't know if those of disparate beliefs can coexist comfortably. I've seen it happen, but I don't know if I have it in me.

Maybe I'll surprise myself. The above notes are my encouragement. Let's see how I do.